Looking For A Woman Made Out Of Breasts' Journal|
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Looking For A Woman Made Out Of Breasts' LiveJournal:
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|Wednesday, February 24th, 2016|
|I'm Getting Better At Making Tacos, Wakka Wakka!
Sometimes resisting the urge to drink in the middle of the week is really fucking daunting. Like crazy insanely daunting. I'm an unemployed guy with a frighteningly finite amount of cash left, but the drive to be around other people even if it's only for a little bit is sometimes quite overwhelming. I'm probably gonna win that battle tonight, but I don't win it all the time.
|Thursday, February 18th, 2016|
|I Seem To Be Going Too Long Without Talking To People
Weekend before last I made tacos for the first time in my adult life. I'd previously derided Mexican food as "Peasant Food", but considering I've been unemployed for months I think it could be argued I qualify as a peasant. Anywho, for my first outing I made WAAAAYYYYYY too much meat and in trying to finish them off in 2 days (do not ask why it was important that I finished them off in 2 days) I tried to eat half the meat I cooked which leveled out to about 5 tacos in one sitting. As a big fan of pizza burgers, my plan was to apply the same logic to tacos so my fixins were marinara sauce, mozzarella cheese, and I even threw on some parmesian cheese for added effect. Thinking back, I MAY have added sriracha to it, but I can't remember right now. Anywho, it came together perfectly and was fucking delicious. Unfortunately, eating 5 of them in one sitting horribly upset my stomach and I was pretty sick for the next couple days.
Fast forward to now. They're all I can fucking think about. I had taken a picture of them and uploaded it to Instagram (because that's apparently something I do now) and my Facebook account and I keep going back and looking wistfully at the picture. I really want to make them again.
All this raises the obvious question of why don't I just go, get the ingredients, and make them again. It's not like making them even created a big mess or was that involved or anything. The answer is not a good one, and it's really just "I've been busy with other shit and want to finish off the food I already have." I'm going back to Barnegat for my niece's birthday where I will have to field alot of annoying questions from the parents about why I haven't found a job yet and just what am I gonna do, but once all that's passed, and I get back, I'm going out and getting the goddamn shit to make tacos again.
I sometimes wonder how things would be different had I succeeded in finding a lady partner and settling down at this point in life. How would she deal with my late night taco lust? I was gonna continue this paragraph with other musings about what a hypothetical girlfriend would do to deal with me, but upon further thought it's all dumb. I've been alone for entirely too long to the point where I can't imagine having another person deal with me. But then there was that weird married girl I chatted with a couple weeks ago. If she got it to work I guess there's hope for anyone no matter how cracked they are.
|Sunday, February 7th, 2016|
|I Sometimes Think My World View Is Overly Myopic
So I've been alone for an embarrassingly long time. I justify this to myself by acknowledging that I'm a complete goddamn mess with no recognizable prospects. Not for lack of trying, and there was maybe a time in my mid to late 20's when I would have been able to pull it off (and one could argue that I did albeit unwittingly), but now in my mid 30's I've just fallen too fart down into a hole. This is compounded by the fact that with a few exceptions, I haven't even met anyone I've been romantically interested in in over a decade. Reconnecting with my Ex from England Jayne a while back convinced me that I didn't just hallucinate connecting with another human being before, but I dunno. I just haven't had my fire lit in a long time.
Tonight I ended up in a long conversation with a girl who I think was trying to explain to me she was in an open marriage and it'd be ok if we fooled around. The conversation kinda spiraled from there to alot of other shit going on with her and when he husband eventually showed up he asked me "has she been like this all night?"
So, to spare the non-existant reader of this shit (gods willing) from a long, spiralling screed about nothing, the lesson I learned tonight is that I'm not particularly special. Everyone (at least by this age) is damaged in one way, shape or form and I shouldn't keep getting so down about myself. While even if this girl WAS propositioning me (I'm inclined to think she just wanted an ear) and I didn't bite, it DID give me hope that the connection I'm looking for isn't a pipe dream.
|Friday, January 29th, 2016|
- I seriously can't stop watching Lexy Panterra videos. I've always been a boobs guy more than a butt guy, but the things that woman can do with her ass are downright hypnotic and they torture me in my dreams.
- As time has gone on I've had alot of close relationships fall away for one reason or another. A lot of it has to do with everyone being older and their time being taken up with their own shit now (wives, kids, etc), but other bits are due to my own character flaws and blunders, or on rarer occasions the other person was just an asshole. While I don't fault anyone who's fallen away and in most cases wouldn't go back anyway, the failure on my part to find anyone to fill their spot has resulted in spending entirely too much time isolated from people and in my own head.
- Speaking of too much time inside my own head, there's my fucking comic. I don't have a consistent person to bounce ideas off of and I'm suffering for it. The latest instance of this is that I've devoted an absurd amount of brain power to a name for the Faster than Light travel that the characters' spaceship uses. Functionally it's similar to Warp from Star Trek, but since I use the term "warp" for teleportation moves I realized I couldn't use it for that. So I co-opted the term "hyper" (which is usually used for FTL drives that entail traveling through a side dimension where relativity doesn't matter). However, lately I've been displeased with that too. So recently while watching tv I was like "wait, if I need a word for "fast" travel why don't I just use the term Flash? Like Flash Drive, Flash Speed, Flash 1-9, etc?" It seems like a decent fix to my problem, but I'm having trouble pulling the trigger on it. I need a goddamn editor, hahaha.
|Sunday, January 3rd, 2016|
|I Really Miss My Cat
About a month ago my cat died, likely due to my own negligence. Well, definitely due to my own negligence. He'd always do this weird coughing that smelled fucking terrible. Sometimes he'd cough up foam but it never seemed to really be anything serious. Anytime he started exhibiting symptoms I'd look online and it never seemed that serious, so I didn't think it was serious enough to take him to the vet. Before he died he would get hyper affectionate, and the night he died he kept hiding in shadows near doors. I even said to him "what's up with ye, buddy?" Then I woke up the next morning, couldn't find him, and eventually found his dead body under my Gramps' chair.
I was going home to see my family that day, and my Ma got me to bring him back with me so we could bury him in their yard with out family's other dead pets. It sucked. When I came back for a few weeks I would out of habit shoe him away from my door when I came in to keep him from running out, or see him out of the corner of my eye dashing around. Sometimes I think I still catch him falling off my bookcase. But now it's been a bit over a month and the habitual shit is starting to ebb, but it's being replaced with a noticing that he's not there for me to do that anymore and it's actually breaking my heart more.
He was an annoying pain in my ass alot of times and I really wish I had a bigger place for him to run around in, but it really takes me aback how much I miss him.
|Tuesday, December 29th, 2015|
|So I Just Wrote A Really Long Entry About A Blow Up No One Will Ever See! HAHAHAHA
So I made a big long post about 3D printing a spaceship I designed, and it all got lost.
So here's the important bits.
• Since becoming unemployed I decided to teach myself a handful of 3D modeling programs.
• My testing projects were a handful of ships from the comic I'm working on. Primary concern was paid to the ship of the main heroes, the Rocco II.
• Making the initial hull shape was really hard.
• I printed it prematurely out of excitement, the printer was good, but expensive.
• Successive tweaks were made increasing the level of detail, printing was handled by a company of similar quality as well as a friend who has a 3D printer at his disposal.
• The act of 3D modeling these ships allowed me to work out finer points such as dimensions, landing gear, and detail that I would otherwise not have ever thought about.
• I did all of this out of a sense of deep and profound love for my story and designs. Considering the job I'd been working this was a very unique experience for me.
That's all for now, huzzah!
|Monday, December 28th, 2015|
Reading back on the blog a good 10 years or so, it seems I'm still harping about pretty much the exact same shit. I'd like to say this night caught me in a foul mood because of a misunderstanding with my main group of friends, but really all that shit had been brewing for a while. Doesn't say a whole lot about me now, does it? hahaha
|Wow, Over 6 Years Since I Was Last On, Eh?
So much has happened, but has any of it been important? New parts to my heart... I think a couple times over. I went to Japan back in 2010 or so and had a crazy adventure that was somewhat sullied by the fact I had no one to share it with. I finished the ashcan of the first volume of my comic, and have since made so many adjustments to the story that I've got to completely redraw it. I got a cat but he died after 4 short years, and it's still raw enough that it's tearing me up. I've got a niece now though, who's become the shining center of my entire family.
Since I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore I guess I can be frank without worry. Lately I've had a prevailing sense of foreboding, that I'm gonna die either very soon or practically never. Truth told I can't really tell what option bugs me more. When I was a kid I believed I was gonna die at 17 during my first heart surgery, and truth told it gave me a measure of peace to think I didn't have the burden of having to figure out my future. But then I survived, and I had to scramble to cobble something together. Admittedly since then I've done a shit job of it, and I'm well aware of how far I've fallen short of anyone's expectations.
I didn't give my all in college, and even if I had the skills and interests I had I don't think would have provided a much clearer path than the one I ended up taking. Since then I just feel like I'm constantly losing things, that more and more doors close before I even notice them. I spent 10 years in abject misery at this one job and since I've been laid off, I've admittedly been feeling better about things. However, I still don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't feel like there's any way to win the struggle moving forward.
It's not helped by the fact that with every passing year I get a little worse. I fall deeper and deeper into my vices and eccentricities and it gets harder and harder to put on a normal face. I feel I'm trying my friends' patience to the point that they fall away because I'm more trouble than I'm worth. I haven't felt a romantic stirring for anyone in longer than I can remember to the point that sometimes I think I hallucinated ever having bonded with anyone. The more time goes on the more I feel isolated and alone. I want to stop being such an annoying prick to everyone but I can't. It's sometimes like I'm standing outside myself hearing me say something dumb or awful and I'm like "NO NO NO!!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YE DOING!?!?!?!" Artwise I think I'm technically better than I've ever been, but still can't seem to be happy with anything I do right after I do it.
This ended up being a far more negative post than I intended. Like I said, at least I'm not working at that crummy job anymore. However, all I've done is replace soul crushing job ennui with unemployed terror, and I think that's why I've been feeling like I wouldn't terribly mind shuffling off sooner rather than later. I'm tired. It sometimes feels like it takes all my effort to hold up what little I've managed to achieve. It's sick and stupid to wish for it to end because it would free me from having to keep slogging on. I know this because I'd fallen into that trap before.
Not to say or imply that I've got any interest or intention in offing myself, though admittedly I understand the motivation behind it in ways I never would have considered before. Ye never know when things are gonna turn around, y'know? Ye never know what'll happen with the new day, or what ye might do, or who ye might meet that'll change everything. I've always believed in the saying that even if a man dies in a ditch he should die falling forward, so I've got no choice but to keep bumbling on and hoping maybe sooner or later I can figure out how to find a light. But again I'm tired and I don't even know what I want anymore. I've spent too long with the stick and no carrot.
|Sunday, October 11th, 2009|
I'm drunk. I think I've done the best I could in most circumstances.... I apologize for mostly nothing... Money... Money is my greatest worry, I don't wak\ke up every day thinking about it but I certainly go to sleep as such. I'd lik to qwirite it off as a symptom, of my generation, but I'm nt sure how much that pans out. Truth is, I struggle, and tim,mes are, I look at my sitatuoation and and wonder, how does it work? What I wasd doing was goood for people making a living, raising a famuly owning a house, blah blah, blah. My worst case scenarip neeed more than I have... What do I do? I' don't eneven get what I'm doing at thi s point. Brie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I drive now............................. What te fuck? Pernt?
Everything I do is for thatr now.... And that printer... Who csrres wjhat I do?
I'm drinl. Wahat pf it?
|Saturday, September 27th, 2008|
I took today off from work so shite could be done on my car. I spent 7 hours talking to an old girlfriend who lives in England. I went to a bar where I ate pizza and drank alot of beer. I left that bar to go to another, and on the way pondered on the questions of life, the universe and everything. I hit on lots of interesting thoughts and dismissed them quite quickly. My final thought for the night is that I, Christopher Robin deMonch, miss having a dishwasher.
Fuck all y'all.
|Wednesday, August 6th, 2008|
|Wacom Tablet and So Forth
When the hell was the last time I updated this nonsense? I don't have much in the way of news that'll be interesting to anyone really. I've been consolidating a number of things tp make the drawing of the comic much easier, chief among them being a wacom tablet. I just got it today, so it's not unusual that I'm struggling with it the now. Still though, whatever gets my shite looking better I'm willing to give it a shot.
I'm very tired.
|Saturday, May 3rd, 2008|
|"I'm Drunk" and other important observations
It might just be the translation, but Tite Kubo seems especially poignant sometimes.
I'm an Avril Lavigne fan but found out for the first time tonight that she's married. Is that true?
Do I have a block that keeps me from getting my own comic done? Since I upended the story a month or so ago I feel so much better about it. Hell, even the first chapter is done.
I carved the nigasa into the alley behind my place tonight. I'll check tomorrow if it looks like it's supposed to. On the side, it took me over 6 minutes to walk up the stairs to my place because I was too drunk too walk. I actually had to argue with myself NOT to piss on what I think is the crypt of a church father, and I won solely because "said church father never did anything to me." Instead I had peed on a tree.
I believe in reincarnation. The reasons for this are many, weird, and occasionally nonsensical. Regardless, I believe in reincarnation and also karma. And it's not just to annoy my mother.
I also dig Sarah Bareilles songs.
Tonight has really thrown into perspective why I need to win the lottery. Really.
|Monday, April 28th, 2008|
|Joe Maduereira and other artists whose shite I dig...
Joe Maduereira is/was an artist who drew lots of comics back in the mid 90's and he's generally credited with bringing the manga style to mainstream popularity. I remember first seeing his work during the Age of Apocalypse stuff he did for X-Men, but I remember what really did it for me was his work during the Onslaught saga soon afterwards, specifically a fight between an amnesiac Magneto calling himself Joseph (turns out later he was a clone of Magneto. I always thought that was kinda lame) and Onslaught, it was just really cool looking and well done. Later on he did a comic called Battle Chasers, which I never really read except for one issue (but by then I'd long since stopped reading American comics) and recently he's been doing the Ultimates 3, which when they make the graphic novel of it I'll buy. Reading the Ultimates has kinda resparked my interest in his style and on a whim I bought a hardcover graphic novel of the first 5 issues of Battle Chasers (I think it went to 9 before he gave up on it and became a video game designer). As an artist I really think I just gotta gush. The guy is real talented, and his shit is pretty much universally good.
Back in the day, I worshipped Todd McFarlane. Still really like his stuff, and since he started inking his own work and you're actually able to see what his drawing style looks like, I initially didn't like it because it was something different to me. I'd read that his own book Spawn was supposed to start out as a super hero book only to draw in readers used to his Spider Man days, and that he meant it from the get go to be a horror comic. While the story did seem to get pretty convoluted to me, and it did seem weird to me that a guy who made such a big deal about maintaining ownership of his own character was regularly having other people write his stories and doing his artwork, but whatever, it was still a decent book.
On a side note, Jim Lee, another artist I admired, I kinda regard on a lower tier. Not to say his shite ain't 100X better than what I do, but all of his stuff looks like the people were carved out of marble. I remember a criticism a friend of mine had in college of his stuff (though technically he grouped all the X-Comics artists into one hodgepodge artist usually, which was pretty good because so many seemed like Jim Lee knockoffs) was that no matter what they were doing, the characters always looked like they were posing. Freshman year of college was when I first started getting into manga and I became real critical of American comics, though really this is one critique that has always stuck with me. Anywho, good artists, but I kinda outgrew liking that kind of style.
I dig alot of manga artists, Toriyama Akira in particular has done alot to influence the way I do things now, particularly in showing me how cosmic powered super heroes (or reasonably facsimiles) would kung fu fight. Prior to my reading of DBZ, I'd always wanted to integrate super strong characters, flying around, throwing fire balls at eachother but could never figure it out. However, probably my favorite is Watsuki Nobuhiro, the guy who did Rurouni Kenshin. By the time of the Jinchu arc, Watsuki's style had become what I regard as probably the most solid in manga. I wish I could say it influenced any of the crap I do now, but like Joe Mad, that style and mine are too different and I'd have no idea where to start if I wanted to mimic it. Oda Eichiro of One Piece I also like, and he kinda reminds me of Dragon Ball Era Toriyama. Kishimoto Masashi, who does Naruto, reminds me of a cross between Otomo Katsuhiro of Akira, and DBZ era Toriyama, which makes sense considering those two were his biggest influences. Tite Kubo, who does Bleach, is really good, but for the life of me I don't think I could pick out a glaring influence from him. Regardless, he's really good, but I find it kinda annoying how all his characters I really really skinny. Yuji Shiozaki is another guy I really like, but pretty much only because Ikki Tousen and Battle Club pander to my base loves. Those two manga have done a great deal in influencing how I draw chick fights.
Alfonso Azpiri is best known for his Lorna character who appears in Heavy Metal from time to time. His art is very organic looking and rough and always interesting to look at. His Lorna comics kinda gave me a frame work for smut in my own work, working on an R-NC17 kinda book instead of going to straight penetration, which I am so effin tempted to do all the time, but really it's just going too far. The way I draw sex scenes now is definitely shaped by both him and the final artist I'll mention.
Last artist I'm going to mention is someone a bit more obscure, but over the years since I started reading his stuff he's been no less influential. This guy is Josh Lesnick, who I think is out of Texas and is the guy behind CuteWendy and the webcomic Girly, which seems to be relatively well known these days. I really dig his art style, and I think the guy is probably one of the best at page layouts that I've ever discovered. I bought his Cute Wendy graphic novel a ways back, and had it on my TV when my brother came up to visit. He looked at it and leafed through it a bit and was like, "uhmm.. what kinda hentai is this?" I just looked at him and said "not hentai, just a book by an artist I really admire."
|Saturday, April 19th, 2008|
|It Makes Me Sick To Think Of You...
I wonder what it would take for the strength of a human hand to reach into the chest of normal human and pull out the heart. What would it take for a man to rip his own heart out of his chest?
|Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008|
|I Feel Shame...
Flipping channels last night I landed on Big Brother. A girl, who I discovered was named Natalie was wearing some getup that had her rather remarkable bust hanging out and my brain just stopped. I don't think I blinked for the rest of the hour. After it ended I switched to The Office on TBS and tried to put it out of my mind. I actually watched an entire episode of Big Brother because I was absolutely enthralled by the surgically enhanced bust of some daffy broad on a reality tv show.
|Wednesday, February 27th, 2008|
|Saturday, February 16th, 2008|
|The Gallant Christopher
It's been a rough month, which ended with the payday of today. However, today all by itself, I managed to experience all the various desperate emotions of the month bottled into one single day. I didn't feel like running with my friends tonight, so I went to the Glinch by my lonesome as it had been a wee while what with things being the way they are. I went, and I drank alot. I ran into someone who was a great friend of mine, but as she was on a date I didn't want to bother her. Now that I'm home, I'm vaguely aware that there's pain in my left side but I can't feel it, which is exactly where I wanted to be.
|Sunday, February 10th, 2008|
|The Shit I Notice...
In the anime Black Lagoon, 8:40 into episode 19 Rock and Revy are at a Japanese fair discussing things. Revy is at a game shooting prizes with a cork gun, and one target she hits is a lighter with Shinsengumi stripes and the kanji for Makoto on it. I actually rewinded to get a second look at it and thought, "wow. That's really cool."
Earlier this week I had the technique Murakumo (passing clouds) polished for me in class. In the technique, you stand with the sword in a low guard, blade pointed parallel to the ground with the kissaki above your big toe. As the enemy cuts down at your head, you raise the sword to block yourself, square your hips at the opponent (in the process your sword makes an upside down "u" kinda motion), and then cast the enemy's sword safely away from you while at the same time putting your own sword in a position to bisect him crotch through the head and then doing a return cut. In explaining it to the other students, I likened the motion the sword makes to those ribbon stickers people like to put on the back of their cars.
At this my friend Bruce pointed out the comedy that while others just read those with varying degrees of annoyance, I look at it and think, "hey, that's just like a sword technique."
|Saturday, February 9th, 2008|
|I Can't Stand Ann Coulter
I'm broke again, so have no plans to really do anything really interesting this weekend. So on Friday night, instead of going out drinking like I normally would, I've been home writing all night with the tv on in the background. I missed Psyche because I was kinda into the Bourne Supremacy, and so am resolved to stay up till 1 so I can watch it when it's shown again. At the moment there is nothing on, and while flipping around I've landed on C-SPAN where there's an hour long discourse with Ann Coulter, a woman for whom I keep a Sledge Hammer with a fork duct taped to it in the event I ever see her in the Italian Market. So I'm watching this, pretty much solely to piss myself off. I seem to actively piss myself off alot. I can think of at least three instances of having done so today, all three involving right wing folks. I had a message I think, but I'm 15 minutes into this Ann Coulter thing and all I can think of is how I'd like to jam my blade through her eye and out the back of her head.
Now, not to say I'm a staunch liberal or anything, but it seems that most of the people I can't stand consider themselves conservative republicans.
|Saturday, January 19th, 2008|
I've been especially tired this week, and I decided to take today off from fencing practice in order to stay home and get some artwork done, which I hadn't really touched in two weeks. I ended up drastically oversleeping, and after leaving my apartment to get a bag out of my car for Dyl, I went into Mew Gallery to bother L for a spell. While there, I got a call from a girl I train with asking me if I was coming in, as no other senior was there (my friend who I'd asked to cover for me got there a touch late), and so I figured I'd go out to the dojo to peak my head in and make sure everything was OK. So I went down, got lunch at a vendor and took it there to eat. I figured I'd eat my lunch somewhere warm, and if class was covered I'd just leave to come home and do those things I'd intended. So of course I grab a wooden sword off the wall and jump on the mat and I stayed there until 5. On my way home I passed by Mew again. I peaked in and asked L that next time I take the day off from training, if I even hint that I'm going to go up to the dojo for a few minutes to stop me, since I always end up spending all day there and never get around to whatever my original plans were. All in all it wasn't a bad day, I'm just a bit irked that I got around to nothing I'd intended to do.